elastic truth for these plastic days

This is an unedited interview piece that I wrote for a cosmetic surgery publication.

How do you feel about cosmetic surgery?

Influences from the mass media i.e. Hollywood and the way people around us seemingly embrace beautiful form over badly-presented substance has reinforced society’s perception that physical superficiality will get us far if not just somewhere in life. Cosmetic surgery provides an easy avenue for people to enhance their self-confidence when they look and feel better about themselves in the company of others. In today’s fast-paced world, it is not a question of whether it is right or wrong to subject ourselves to how people would inevitably judge us based on how we look; it is rather, a question of choice. Society has always been predisposed to judging people by their appearances. For instance, when two persons with similar qualifications walk in for a job interview, the one with a better physical self-presentation would almost certainly leave with a better first impression and thus, a brighter prospect of scoring the job; Or when we are in a social setting e.g. club, party, shopping malls most of us tend to pay more attention to good-looking people around us. If someone was so inclined as to willingly subject themselves to cosmetic surgery to gain that extra edge in life, he/she should not be judged waywardly. Everyone has played a part in maintaining and spreading this culture of placing high value on superficiality.

In the absence of unnecessary risk and long term physical or emotional consequences, I believe due respect should be accorded to people using cosmetic surgery to enhance the way they look and feel about themselves. It is the most basic application of the harm principle that is enshrined in our universal freedom of choice and expression. We have a right to choose and express ourselves as long as our actions do not infringe on the rights of others. We only live once after all; let’s live a beautiful life- literally. I am in no way discounting the fact that substance matters in life- but any intelligent person would be smart enough to know that appearance matters just as much.

What about minimally invasive procedures? i.e. botox, fillers, laser treatments, chemical peels?

Any form of cosmetic surgery, be it “minimal invasive” or “total reconstruction” is purely euphemistic as it underlines the same principle as to why women put on make-ups or modern men are grooming themselves in the name of metrosexuality; it is inherent among people to want to look good as it is fast becoming a global trend. To raise cosmetic surgery as an issue just because the end-product of a surgery is permanent compared to make-ups that could be washed off is a wanton attempt at living a houlier-than-thou life in denial. Most modern women would not leave their home without make-ups and guys are starting to spend hours in front of the mirror to make sure they look and smell good. It is unfair and simplistic for some people to point and wag their fingers when others have the audacity to go that extra mile with cosmetic surgery. People who abhor any form of cosmetic surgery should seriously reconsider dressing up in front of a mirror to look good or buying a big house or luxury car just to be able to feel good about flaunting themselves. Everyone has their insecurities one way or another thus no one should deem themselves any better than the rest.

Have you ever dated anyone who has had any cosmetic work done?

Yes. I had a girlfriend who went for a nose job while we were dating. In all fairness, I was of the opinion that she did not need a procedure as she was beautiful but she had felt otherwise and went ahead with the surgery. Her friends who realized later about her physical change began to wag their finger and labeled her as fake. As her boyfriend back then, I did not think that surgery made her fake, rather in all probability she appeared even more real than ever. Instead of living in denial and haunted by insecurity due to a certain physical attribute that she did not like, she confronted her fear to seek a better life. Some may view this as hedonistic; I saw it as her keeping it real.

How would you feel if your girlfriend/wife wanted cosmetic surgery?

No cosmetic surgery would change the way I would feel for my woman. Having a 36DD set of breasts would not turn her into Mother Theresa overnight although I don’t deny there is a possibility that she might turn into Holy Mary Mother of God in bed.

On a more serious note, I would think that there is some deep seated problem in the relationship if physical alteration would amount to any significant changes to the dynamics of my relationship with my girlfriend/wife. I would be very honest and sincere with my girlfriend/wife and let her know that I love her for the person whom she is on the inside. I would not want her to change the way she looks because if I had wanted her to look any different, I would have dated/married someone else. In the end of the day, it is her body and if she is convinced that somehow she needs to undergo cosmetic surgery to improve her life, I would be more than happy to spend some meaningful time with her newly re-conditioned toys, I mean breasts.

Would you ‘buy’ your girlfriend/wife a cosmetic surgery procedure? For example birthday present, anniversary present, no particular occasion?

I would buy her a cosmetic surgery on two conditions. One, she has to convince me that it is something that she really needs to make her feel better about life. Second, I have the final say as to how she would look like in the end, seeing as I would be paying and will be the one who has to live with her after the surgery.

Would you dump someone after dating for a while or after marriage if you found out they have had some cosmetic procedure done in the past? How would you feel about this?

No. I think people put too much emphasis on physical attraction in relationships. I do not deny that physical attraction matters in the initial stages of a courtship but in the end of the day, it is who that person really is on the inside that should matter. If I did not know that my girlfriend/wife had undergone cosmetic surgery when I met her but still had grown to love her for the person that she was, I do not see how it would matter if I discover now that she did indeed look like a car crash in the past. It is not as though she had lied to me- it is just that she had never told me until now, no? I always try to be optimistic with things, life seems better that way.

Might you consider having some cosmetic work done someday? If so, like what?

When I was younger, I used to harbor thoughts of removing a small mole on my chin that I thought had been the barrier that kept away all my Abercrombie & Fitch modeling contracts. As I dated more women, quite a few of them actually thought the mole had character plus sex appeal and wanted me to keep it while the rest offered to pay for my laser removal treatment. Now that I am all grown up, a tad wiser and more comfortable with myself- I know for certain that I can not and should not try to make everyone happy. So everyone can go to hell- I am very happy with the way I look now and definitely would not change it just for the sake of conforming to some skewed benchmark of good looks set by global fashion conglomerates that push forth starving, stick-thin, walking dead models as their epitome of beauty. My mole defines me. If A&F can’t see that, they can suck my balls, I am going home.

What do you think of women (or men) who lie about having had any cosmetic work done?

It is a pity that women have to conceal something that should not be of issue at all if our society was more rational and not so narrow-minded. I support women who told white lies about their cosmetic surgery out of fear for the social persecutions that they would have to deal with by telling the truth. On the other hands, my utmost respect goes out to women who dare stand by and defend their decision to undergo cosmetic surgery. All in all, what does it say of a culture where to be sincere and truthful has become the radical gesture?

Do you think society judges an individual who would like to or has had cosmetic work done?

Yes, simply because to a certain extent most people have inferiority complex issue and would not think twice to bring down other people just to make themselves feel better. There is as much shame in going for cosmetic surgery as there is in buying an ugly looking Louis Vuitton handbag that cost RM15,000 just so other people would think of you any differently.

Do you think cosmetic surgery is fast becoming a trend that is acceptable?

Society is constantly evolving and people’s mindset are becoming more open and thus accepting towards all things that used to be unorthodox. In time we would come to respect other people’s personal choice and mind our own business as long as their actions do not impede on our rights and personal freedom.

materialism: a refutation

Given a present day scenario when two men are stranded on an island with only two apples; what would be the most possible course of action that can be undertaken by either individual? Would one kill the other for the sake of a prolonged survival, or would they share the apples instead for the better or worse outcome of a mutual fate?I believe it is most likely that both men will fight to the end instead of opting for mutual survival. Disregarding any discourses over the ethical aspect of their action; a more insightful light could instead be shed upon a discourse on causality that led to the assumed course of action.

Is humanity inherently selfish or is selfishness deterministic?

Everyone is born into a capitalistic system whereby it is ingrained in our societal code that survival of the fittest is an unquestionable dogma that best maintains the harmony of our world. It is a harmony that is only apparent to the smallest number of people who live on the luminous end of an imbalanced global wealth distribution spectrum; whereas others on the dark side suffer from the mysteries of inequity in a world where everyone was born Equal.

Why is it ever so difficult for men to give than to take more than they need? I believe our economic system of governance thru capitalism perpetuates our greatest global evil- Poverty. It is the greatest evil because it also holds the simplest solution, one that can only remain as Utopian as long as we live and continue to be manipulated by greed, selfishness, ignorance- human (in)values that are perpetuated by capitalism. To solve poverty, everyone simply just needs to give. The whole concept of “I will rather teach you how to fish that to give you my fish” would not work because people are just so downright poor- they don’t even have a river to fish.

Alas, I am guilty of criticisms that lack any substantial constructivism. I admit, I can’t suggest a better system than Capitalism. To hell with the Commies, Screw the Socialists, Fascism is dumb and the Anarchists are just too unorganized to do anything. There is not a better system that the failing one we have in our hands.

Humanity is deterministic. Therefore having a capitalistic system that can only encourage people to be selfish and then have this group of people live in this system will only create a vicious cycle whereby the poor will remain poor and the rich can only get richer.

We need a change. Someone has to change. Living in an imperfect system does not translate into having to be complacent and live with imperfection.

Someone asked me why I reserve resentment towards rich kids. I hate rich kids because most of them live in a cocoon comfortably cushioned by Louis Vuitton, so much so all of them think that the world is a perfect place to be. They will continue with that mentality out of lack of motivation which I do not blame them for because their parents never taught them the suffering of earning money, or the fact that other people are suffering in sweat shops to make their Prada’s whatsoever.

Alas, who am I kidding? I went to bed comfortably in my French Connection pajamas last night.

We will all be guilty of not making a change for a better world when we can just by making an effort to remind ourselves to be selfless towards everyone around us.

But no, we will go on living in our ridiculous routine lives in a vicious sick cycle carousel. We will continue to work our asses off to buy an automobile, then a house, then get married, save for our kid’s college funds, get an SUV, get a swimming pool for our new house, pay off our loans and the get a bigger loan for that country club membership and convertible to ease our mid-life crisis, then renovate our house to accommodate our kids who have grown up to be just like us.

Oh no, I have just charted my entire life, and quite possibly the lives of everyone else in the world.

What happened to our dreams of living in Africa and helping the local community build their own house and irrigate their land? Screw that, I have shed my tears while watching Discovery. Whatever happened to giving some money to help local charity? Urm, I need to save up for my new convertible. What is so wrong with not giving? Nothing, no one gave me anything when I needed their help anyway.

Yes, humans are pretty amusing. We always put ourselves before others, and worse we do not see what is wrong with that. Yes, if that truck was going to crash into that dumb kid- You are indeed obligated as a human to save him.

I make it a point to never get rich. All self-righteous Christians can go fuck themselves in the ass for all I care, but I certainly see now why my homeboy Jesus emphasized on how Wealth can screw people over in the ass with both their fists.

Everyone dreams to not be part of the system but inevitably lose their focus and the next thing we know, we are 65 and have not done one bit to make the world a better place. And I am not even over-stretching our capacity to helping African kids, give them a break- those kids live with lions, they can handle themselves even without our help and in time when they actually decide to stop killing each other, they can then take over the world, impaling us to death with their spears.

Charity begins at home, as the cliché goes. If everyone were to take their eyes off their PDAs for one second and be on the look out for everyone else, no strings attached, the world will be a much better place to be a minute from now.

I sincerely believe we do not have to live in big houses, wear branded clothes, drive turbo-charged cars and attend fancy balls. This is an illusion of need masterfully crafted by the owners of MTV, LVMH and other luxurious abbreviations.

What we do need is the willingness to go beyond ourselves to offer help to strangers whom we have not met in our lives. If the world was mine, I’d decree that everyone work in the Ronald McDonald’s House for one month of their lives. You don’t have to risk getting your limbs blown off while on a Red Cross voluntary mission at Afghan minefields or Iraqi battlefield, if you do not want to, but everyone has to head towards Ronald McDonald’s House for their lives to be changed and deviated from the numbing simplicity of materialism.

Alas, the Sweet Invincible Ideals of My Youth.

I can only hope that I won’t die without my neighbor next door ever knowing my name before he reads my obituary.

- Corporate America, cursed is thy Fame.

tuesday with morrie: a reflection

Carina- Yes, as usual, you are Right about the finer things in life. I did enjoy your recommended read- Tuesdays with Morrie. And No – I did Not bust open the flood gates and burst into tears.The final moments of Morris Schwartz’s life validate the suspicions I have in mine in regards to the subjectivity of what one deems as the “finer things in life”.

Life is not about how fast our cars can go, how big our mansions are, how many country club memberships we hold or when is the bill payment for our platinum credit cards.

Even though most of us identify with the aforementioned urban progressive lifestyle- a truly meaningful Life should Never be as detached and void as such.

We have been very disillusioned by the most grotesque form of peer pressure in which we strive to achieve happiness in knowing that we hold a bigger, better, shinier material yardstick than our neighbor. Thus, doing what we humans do best- we have created a different world for ourselves to reaffirm our beliefs without even questioning the validity of what we believe in; In this virtual world, we try to substitute our happiness with materialism just so we can be consistent with the system of belief of those around us. This in turn draws us into a never ending vicious cycle of trying to quench our materialistic thirst- an insatiable thirst really, due to the fact that materialism and happiness are both mutually exclusive elements of life. This conventional vicious cycle, most unfortunately is one that will eventually rob us of the opportunity to ever realize the true meaning of life – a happy life, without any material demands besides those for sustenance.

Morrie showed me that a good life benefits oneself the least and delights and prioritizes the needs everyone around us the most. It is by learning to give, to care and to love others before ourselves that we will find reconciliation within ourselves. We will never find happiness in stacking ourselves up with the busiest schedule, nor will happiness comes in the form of a brand new Beamer. Temporal happiness maybe. But will we still feel the joy for our Beamer in 15 years? People of our generation could not been more misled. Gen-X’ers revel in cosmetic vanity (in a deeper sense than make ups and boob jobs) and we find exhilaration in the subjugation of others and comfort in getting the approval of others to validate our existence- all of which is sadly, merely our inferiority complex revealing her ugly head. This is why when people achieve all that they ever dream of materialistically, strangely they are bound to feel neither joy or inner peace as they have come to expect. The underlining reason can only be that ignorantly, we have been chasing after the Wrong things in life. Evidently, this further extents to explain the sudden outward implosion in religious group memberships as religions tend to teach her disciples to turn away from material (and also sadly, that gay people and pro-choicers are going to burn in hell while pedophilic priest sits next to the throne of God and watch them burn in laughter – lollipop in one hand and fondling cherubs with another) and spend more time in love and compassion with those around us just as what Morrie had advocated thru out his book.

Before I came to the States, I was a prideful kid brimming with confidence at how well and fast I can learn to manipulate any systems and exploit them to my own personal gains. Non First-class college results? No worries – be active in areas outside nerdy studies and then study hard to prove that I was an all rounder. Crappy looking resume? Learn to speak articulately, be a student leader *Yay!* and represent the country and get my face splashed unashamedly across all major newspapers *DOUBLE Yay!*. Crappy college life? Headed straight to the land of the free, home of the braves, lived free spiritedly without a care and then manipulated the system to stay on for a period 3 times longer than any students are allowed to for 10 times lesser the cost.

I always revel at basking in the fruits of my tactful shrewdness which I know will make me a good whore of a climber of those seemingly daunting yet strangely-familiar corporate ladders- built by nice friendly people who would not hesitate for one second to cheat a 80 year old grandma of her healthcare policy.

However, I have been questioning myself lately, is that all i want out of my life? To look good in front of others? To command respect out of awe? To just get on with life the same way the rest of the world does? or is there really more to life than the conventional lets start a business and make my first million then buy my first Beamer Z4 and then make my 2nd million and then buy my first Ferrari and then make my 3rd million – when does the cycle end? or does it ever?

A handful of Americans who has been living as Morrie did taught me that life is NOT just about material pursuit; it is most importantly about what I can offer to the people around me to make the world a better place. I want to leave a legacy, one that is made out of my personal relationships with people around me rather than one which people, my family, my kids, my friends stare in isolation and detachment after I die and hopefully burn in eternal hell- cos’ I would never want to be next to any pedophiles in heaven.

People die – Relationships, in the words of Morrie – goes on forever.

Relationships with people are just too important to be secondary in life- something which I need to constantly remind myself. I have hurried thru my life, thru conversations; never seem to be able to focus wholeheartedly when I am talking with anyone- always thinking about what I am going to do next. I dread to suffer the irony of being detached from the world around me and only realize the extent of my detachment at the last few months of my life. I want to exude love and be consumed by love from all around me.

I want to live in Love.

Morris Schwartz, Thank you. I pray for the Lord’s grace to be upon you, just as your words are to my stone cold heart.

“-Love each other or perish-”

jesselton tonight?

The prospect of road tripping alone for 4 hours back to my shanty ass college town did not sit as well as I had planned for that day.On my way out of the city, I drove up to a fork on the road. One turn headed North and would take me directly back to campus while the other detoured conveniently to the place where she works.

I did not think for that moment and blindly heeded the desperate faint tugging in my heart. In those dying seconds, I pulled hard at the wheel- swerving towards the latter turn and almost took out a very angry Indian man on an old battered mo-ped at that.

*********************************************

We each had two Heinekens over lunch that never came. I have always enjoyed my Heine’s and never considered it as a yuppie beer until I came home from the States and met up with dear Pooi San who brands for Carlsberg. Over the years it had always been a Bud or Miller all the damn time over lunch.

That short-lived, spontaneous lunch meeting with her skewed the way my Heinekens would taste in the not too distant future. The beer will now leave an even more bitter aftertaste than her makers ever intended to.

We talked about everything but Nothing. Respectively trying to keep our poker faces straight and cautiously avoided any references that could provoke an awkward soliloquy about the other night . We took the easy way out and pretended it never happened at all.

“So what did you do last Saturday?”

“How’s work coming along?”

“What’s going to happen in school when you return?”

“My granny asked about you but I was too tired from work to explain”

“Yeah, so and so are getting married. I don’t think I am going to be there”

It did not take an African Studies major to recognize two confused grown ups who were trying their best to dance their way around the bush while remained seated at the bar over beers in the middle of broad day afternoon.

I got sick of being stuck in the pretentiousness of the whole moment that made a mockery of my genuine feelings for the one woman whom I love in my life now.

I looked at her, drew some cash to cover the tab for both of us, stood and turned to leave.

“Are you going to call?”

Finally, her voice rang with the familiar sincerity that I was used to.

“I don’t know”

That was easily one of the stupidest thing I’ve said out of my emotionally-challenged convoluted ego before I started my stuttered steps towards the exit that loomed so small now. A part of me wanted to just bolt the fuck out yet the rest of me wanted to stay on and hope that things would somehow take an unexpected turn for the better.; pretty much like how I took that detour turn expecting to sort things out with her only to unexpectedly conclude that things between us are more bungled than ever.

Burdened by the weight of a million pound from my heavy heart, my anxious footsteps soon slowed to a halt before I turned around to face her.

“Do you love me?”

Those words just rolled out uncontrollably. It wasn’t like I really needed to know. Perhaps I was seeking an affirmation for existing. For Our shared existence.

The soft light from the bar top cascaded upon her beautiful face reflecting a deep glistening lovely glow that seemed to mock my silent hope that hangs precariously upon the sword of Damocles.

“I don’t know”

The sword dropped and slashed my vulnerability into pieces.

If there was a moment that I felt a genuine need to cry in this evil rotten heart of mine, it was then. I felt like she had just stabbed me with a chainsaw, ripped out my heart and then promptly proceeded to dumping it into the toilet before shitting all over it.

But I held back my tears that soon turned into rage that one would expect from someone who felt unappreciated. I gathered all my strength and afforded her a faint smile before I finally exited that fuckin’ fucked up shit hole for torn lovers that took the disguise of a friendly neighborhood bar.

Words of wisdom from my best friend kept on ringing loud and clear on auto-repeat in my mind with her cold frozen gaze piercing thru the back of my head as I made my dignified exit from that place of broken dreams.

“Now you know how Rejection feels. You rejected her all the damn time. Now it’s your fuckin’ turn. Now you can think about how SHE felt before this”

motorcycle drive by

No man is an island. Or so they say.Funny how all conversational engagements with people in my life will always take a turn back to the all-encompassing discussion in regard to matters of the heart, pertaining to love and relationships with that of the fairer, most wonderfully sweet gender.

Funny how I always discover the most about myself thru little discussions about love.

This time it was with Steph, my long time high school buddy.

People always ask why I am not going out with anyone. Obviously they overlook the health implications that I would be facing should I withdraw cold-turkey from my acute addiction to acts of physical self-gratification i.e. Masturbation.

The truth is, I have a low self esteem when it comes to having a relationship. I have an insatiable feeling of inadequacy that on one hand it keeps me on my toes, constantly striving for more out of life- the other is actually strangling the life out of me slowly.

People think that I am just an immature irresponsible kid who does not want to be tied down to commitment because my life is all about one night fucks and fleeting mercurial romances.

In truth, I miss all my Emilys. I miss all my Coreys. I miss all my Tammys. With equal tenacity and passion but never fully in love.

I just could not bring myself to love wholeheartedly no longer. I am but a broken man who has been found, measured and found wanting for one too many times by all the wrong people. People who accused me of being an empty romantic without a soul whose love lies only in the recreation of a perfect wonderland that crumbles at first rumble, because apparently- I hath maketh no effort for something deeper.

And the stories run on similar plots every time. After we had cleared out things between us- the other party would admit that our fallout is due to their respective shortcomings, thus validating my beliefs that they were only choosing an easy way out and the easiest would be to look for faults in me.

For they say that vengeance belongs to the Lord- I say Screw You. Let me burn in hell for I have undeservedly inflicted all the unjust pain that I had suffered while blinded by those who did not love me- upon others who loved me with all their hearts. Oh how wrong, how broken, how bleak was the angst that was pent up in the ugly me.

In time, to live in ignorance of love is to dwell in peace.

Until I met Emily. And then Corey.

They both showed me that I was worth all in life. I fell in love with them whom I believe to be god-sent.

That was my life. Those were my issues. In time past.

Carina asked me if I believed that I will ever find my true love. I brushed her aside by saying that I don’t really give a flying feck about it.

To love someone with all our might, to be so consumed in love that we are willing to give and trust everything from our heart, life unto the other person, to wake up every morning next to her and remember that everything is worth fighting for her – is to truly fall in love. Anything lesser falls short and is nothing but just puppy loves that I so espouse.

I believe all of us have issues unresolved within ourselves. To even think of loving someone, we need to resolve them and be at peace within ourselves. We need to be able to accept ourselves before we expect others to do so. We need to be independent individuals before we can be dependent upon or be depended by someone else. People do not understand this, often rush head-on to relationships and end up being totally dependent onto the other person and when shit does not work out- they screamed in agony and threaten death when they can no longer walk on their own twos.

I say “Get yo’ shit right before you want to start any shit like Love, yo!“

That is why I don’t date and only choose to hang out with my women. Hangin’ out is the best and most underrated concept in human relationship since Fuck Buddy. When you hang out, you do not set any commitments with your partner. It is just a simply two person who are attracted to each other, spending time with each other and yet giving each other total freedom, space and time to figure their shit out. Hangin’ out encompasses everything that a conventional relationship entices i.e. doing shits together, discovering each other’s personalities, tolerating each other’s shit, holding hands, making out, sex; but cuts out all the troublesome bullshit that one has to go thru in a committed relationship like ‘sticking together thru thick and thin’ ‘cos I say screw those bullshit- says who that we need to lose our personal liberty as individuals when we had developed feeling for another person?

I say people should just hang out with Everyone and develop themselves from meeting as many personalities from as many walks of lives as possible while figuring themselves out. There are just too many interesting people out there that warrants the precious exciting times of our youth.

Believe me not? Take a look at couples who have been dating for some time. Do you think they are with their partner because they genuinely love them and think that there are no other person on earth like her, Or, is it because they are just afraid that they are not good enough to look for someone better, so they cling on the person of lesser quality, because they are too lazy to move out of their emotional comfort zones?

Let us never live with contention. Let us all believe in love at first sight so that we will never stop looking (this sounds vaguely familiar, I must have ripped it off from some B-Grade movie)

Pray tell that I will wash out the world. Pray tell that I will never find true love too soon. Pray tell that all I will always have is Now.

what ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?

Perhaps Sarah Mac does not really make a good listen at 3am on a wet, pouring morning.Perhaps the Scottish girl was right. That in my maddening pursuit of success, I had got lost along the way and never really enjoyed the chase.

Perhaps all I need now is a Sweet Surrender.

I miss Fall. When the leaves wore a plethora of colors. Yellow, brown, red, purple; all waltzing carelessly to the crisp of autumn’s swirling breeze.

Things are indeed falling apart but into places now. I am falling apart but the team is falling into place. Just the way I had hoped for it to. There was no shortage of commitment when the team calls for it. A lot willing hands and willful hearts. The most touching part is when everyone showed up to help out when we had a public event. A girl even drove an hour to be there. Everyone was just working together to make this whole thing work. I never intended for it to be My team. I was merely the fire starter that sparks a wild fire that is to consume the entire place.

In this wild pursuit of glory I have indeed strayed and lost my way. Lessons learned, excuses given, hearts broken, friends mended.

Adia, do you believe that I have failed you?

Would you believe me if I tell you that I love you and I am cold here without you?
These walls that I have built around me, would you tear them down?
Would you take away my frown and make me an all-dancing clown?

You have always accused me of being a cold-hearted loner. That I never wanted or needed you to be around to function. Maybe I was just sitting shit scared in my dark little corner waiting for you to lift me out. And in that small claustrophobic space- it does get lonely down there. The sad thing was that you were right to say that I did not need you to be around- but truth was, I wanted you to.

Phone flipped, unflipped, flipped,turned off and put away. It does not mean much. It does not mean anything at all. For I could not bring myself to dial those numbers and tell you that I love you. And you just walked away.

I remember picking up those fallen yellow autumn leaves and arranging them on the sidewalk to spell your name while I was locked out of your apartment. The wind kept on blowing them away but I would still pick up those leaves and start all over. Futile yet I relished every moment of it because it reminded me of you.

But life is like that, is it not? We could spend all our lives to painstakingly build something so beautiful only for it to be all unraveled in a blink of an eye.

Like how the mystery of us was undone.

Like how I am undoing my greatest faith that died before Jesus came.

and we lived a thousand years all we have is now

I am obsessed with Greatness. Interpret me however you want- whether I am just another one of those men suffering from the usual bout of male inferiority complex issues or I could be genuinely pursuing that one defining moment of perfection in life. Perhaps in all likelihood, both perspectives are not mutually exclusive.I am a creature of Passion. If I relish the significance of pursuing an accomplishment, I would immerse 1500% of my entire life in capturing that just One moment of greatness in achieving what I had set my eyes upon. That is just life, is not it? All of us have only just that One sole moment when lifetime opportunity comes by-a-knocking, stands outside our doorstep briefly, taps her feet dap-a-tap-dap, before taking leave almost as soon as she arrives. Pretty much like that time in the club when you had your eyes on that hottie but hesitated in walking up to her ‘cos you were too chicken shit and when you finally had the guts to make an approach after downing that 18th tequilla shot, she had already left with a bad-shaped man. It was never because that ugly man was any better looking or anything better than you- it was because that fat bastard had the balls to walk up and just seize the moment with her.

So when opportunity comes, do we capture it or do we let it slip? I find it rather embarassing to draw inspiration from a very confused pasty white rapper who hates his mother, but yet do not deny that I get a kick whenever I listen to Eminem’s Lose Yourself.

Most of the time we live our lives complaining that we do not know what we are living for; not realizing that everyone of us already has a purpose in life that could be as great as saving the whole damn world Jesus style or a simplistic one that silently tugs at our heart strings. It would not be hard to recognize the purpose in life if everyone is a Larry Page/Sergei Brin or Mahatma Gandhi or Wong Kar-Wai. Those folks already have defined the sphere in which they would build their lives around. Page and Brin would save the world from evil with Google, Gandhi changed India and Wong would rewrite film history. It is those of us whose lives pale insignificantly in relative to theirs who will find it hard to recognize our purpose in life, or rather to be Willing to recognize that purpose. For what great glory is there in living a life dedicated to a mundane white-collared job, get married, reproduce, bring up our children, retire and die into oblivion?

Yeah, yeah, I made the assumption that everyone’s purpose in life is supposed to be destined for Greatness, or else it would not be valid. In the real world, if everyone’s destined for greatness- then the world would not need any changing, no? I get that. And I understand that the term ‘greatness’ has been used here rather indiscriminately, I debate for my university and am in no mood to define shit when I am talking to myself via me blog.

But more importantly, it is always the microcosmic parts of life that matters, aye? If it wasn’t because of my uneducated parents who led a pretty simplistic life- then I would not realize how much mediocrity sucked alot of hairy black balls and they would not have pushed me to always ace in academia because like all uneducated people, my parents were duped into believing that education is really the key to a good wonderful life ahead. At best, they were only half right. That is considering that I even get a little cubicle of my own and a pantry storage for my Wal-Mart coffee mug in the office.

The point is simply this; I have been searching high and low for my entire life for that One special purpose dedicated to immortalizing life that would consume my entire being so much so I would just lose myself in the madness of my pursuit. That in living my life for that purpose- Nothing else would matter. It is all about running with all my strength and heart towards the light at the end of the tunnel. A long, hard run that would take over my whole life and I would not have any doubt if I am wasting my time on running.

To some people, that purpose could be Jesus. I went down that path for 8 years and realized it was a dead end. I was only talking to myself all those times. To some people, it could be their family. I love my family but can’t live my life fulfilling their expectations all the damn time. I have stopped being a teenager 6 years ago. It could be living for a woman- but that is just silly ain’t it? Men are born to roam the earth. With a spear. Between their legs. It could be living your life to end world hunger and child labor. That sounds great and very honorable to me, but hey- the world still goes on and as far as I am concern it should go on as long as those damn Ethiopeans would trade food for guns to shoot their own brothers or GAP is selling cheap clothings sewn by malnourished Sri Lankan kids who or else would die of hunger if it was not for those kind Caucasian men who gave them money and jobs as part of their white men’s burden in return for exploiting their poor asses sewing tee shirts 18 hours a day.

For the record, I hate GAP.

To me, one’s highest purpose in life could be farming corn for all I care. But I would want my world to stop spinning in awesome admiration of my passion for farming corn. My defining life purpose would exclude all societal expecations. I want to live a life that is unpredictable. I despise establishments. I shudders at any attempt for conformity. I rejoice in breaking free. More than living, I want to Feel life. Every moment of it.

A friend of mine always remind me that we find greatest joy in the simplest things of life. A part of me scorned such trivilization of life, the other acknowledges the truth of that notion. Like how in the olden days people are happy with just having a pair of pants but everyone wants to own a pair of Diesel jeans now. If you burst out laughing at my comparison- of course I understand that you do not realized I was referring to the Italian design house that receives the honorable patronage of Kevin Federline. And we all know K-Fed is the mark of a true Man in fashion. Thank you.

I reserve my deepest, most profound respect to one of history’s greatest epical warrior- Alexander the Great (after K-Fed, of course). I draw inspiration from him (Alexander the Great). I never believed in insurmountable odds and whenever I am faced with circumstances as that, I’ll just remind myself that whatever I am facing pales in comparison to what Alexander went thru. So just shut the fuck up and Overcome it like a Man. And Alexander was just a man. He ain’t no Jesus with all those crazy God superpowers but he still conquer the whole Allah-damned world. If only K-Fed had lived in that era.

Now we all know Alexander the Great was really fuckin’ Great, rite? No point doubting a man whose name hints at such modesty. The question that begs to be answered, really is- If Alexander knew that there was a Greater man who could lead the Macedonians towards even greater glory,like imagine Genghis Khan was a homie of the same era- Would he step aside for Genghis’ ascension to lead his empire or would Alexander cut his throat while he was sleeping? I bet he would not sneak up to Genghis ‘cos Alexander’s a most honorable man but would he take on Genghis one-on-one style or would he get his whole army to fuck him up? I believe Alexander would challenge Genghis to an death duel and Win. I am pitching my money on Alexander ‘cos I have read an entire library of books on how bad ass of a fighter he was but none on Genghis, so I know nothing of his capability besides him kicking alot of asses back in the days and likes to ride a horse. How gay can you get?

How did Alexander always knew that he was the Greatest King of all Macedonia? Did he not feel doubt? Was he not merely a Man after all? Has he no fear of the unknown i.e. the future? If he was indeed the Greatest, there would then be an absence of a yardstick for him to measure himself against- what drives him then?

All great men are self-motivated.

I am a creature of Passion. Who succumbs easily to the temptation of conceited Pretensions.

How trite.

meant to live

“What is true happiness?” asks Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman. “Is it a comfortable four-door sedan with tinted windows? Does it mean I have 2 or 3 children and a beautiful wife and live in a great neighborhood? Everyone has their own version of what happiness means, but many of the things we’re going for, and I include myself in this, are absurd. There’s this moment in Jewish scripture, in Ecclesiastes, where it says, ‘Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.‘”Happy is a Yuppie Word” that takes its title from a 1991 interview Bob Dylan gave to Rolling Stone in which Dylan was asked, on the occasion of his 50th birthday, if he was happy. Dylan replied, “Those are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It’s not happiness or unhappiness, it’s blessed or unblessed.” Foreman bemoans corporate product branding and marketing. “We are the target market / We set the corporate target,” he sings. “That song is about how one of the most beautiful intimate moments in a human’s life is used to sell a can of beer or auto parts. Sex is easier than love.“

My thoughts and sentiments personified thru the music of Switchfoot. There is only so much rage you can have pent up in your system; there is only so much verbal vulgarity to compensate for our losses thru injustices towards us; there is only so much we can chant about our plights; before we realize that there is so much that we could have done with our lives.

Switchfoot reminds me of Rage Against the Machine- without the Rage. I was utterly impressed with their musical purpose and ideals. A band that is for social justice and blinding the world from maddening materialism deserves all my respect and support.

As silly as this sounds, I ‘felt’ the touch of God from their music. It was not so much of the Jesus Christ kind of touch that everyone who has ever gone to church or christian camps would be convinced that they felt. It was more on an inspirational level. Those sort that makes me want to do something substantial with my life that will contribute towards the betterment of society. Social movement has always been an essential part of my purpose in life. A world that is void of poverty, greed and injustice. What have I actually done on my part to improve the state of world?

Nothing.

I feel helpless. Useless. Self-centered. I can’t help but those sentiments haunt me every so frequently. I have experienced so much. I have taken so much from the world, but I am not able to contribute anything to make even a person’s life better.

Switchfoot reminded me of my purpose. Of my ideals. Of everyone besides myself.

I believe that, beyond myself, there is a greater purpose in life. One that is not self-serving. One that is self-sacrificial. We have been brought up in a world whereby self-perservation is the underlining point of utilitarianism. This ought not to be the case. If everyone is more willing to give than to take, then the global disparity would be deservingly, shortlived.

It was funny how when I was just rocking out on the main floor of Switchfoot’s show when something which happened 5 years ago struck my mind. There used to be a high school teacher who brought me into the whole Christianity bit, told me that she had a dream (Christians will love this) in which there was a dude who was sharpening a blunt arrow and I was in her dream. She told me that she was convinced by the prompting of the Holy Spirit that her dream was a vision from the good Lord. I was the blunt arrow and since I was Jesus’ homeboy, the dude was shaping me up for greater purposes in life- hence the sharpening. Nothing short of Hilarious, and I brushed her off as a pyschotic Klan member.

Regardless if her visions were true, I believe that I am indeed being shaped by an invisible hand. No words can fathom my adventure thus far in the United States. Like one end of a beer bong, I am constantly absorbing everything that comes my way.

Someday, like the other end of a beer bong, I will need to give everything back. And when that day comes, I will gladly return everything and even more. Everyone deserves a shot at what I have experienced.

There will not be a beautiful letdown.

a means to an end

Over the weekend, I caught an abstract dance musical performance titled Green Snake in Buto by Lee Swee Keong that personally was very avant-gardely What-the-hell-was-that-All-about?! It was one of those modern dance experimental stuff, well actually it was not really modern for Buto was created by the Japanese back in the late 50’s. Also known as the Dance of Darkness. How pretentious can you get? Apparently very.So we had this dude with his entire body painted in white, looking very ghoulish and scary like one of those evil spirits ripped out of a B-grade Canto horror flick (it’s the Halloween weekend I guess), prancing around the stage frantically to some incorrigible music that sounded equally as mind-boggling. Risking sounding like a complete imbecilic moron, sometimes I wonder at how obscure is the thin red line between art and pretentious rubbish that tries to fake art, really is. It is like looking at a million-dollar Picasso’s masterpiece in a mid-town San Francisco art gallery and inevitably having to entertain the thought that a 5-year-old retarded kid could have painted something similar for two bucks.

And of course we had the usual pompous-ass yuppie above average-income-earning middle class audience attending this productions the same way we would find them in all artsy-futsy performances. And I know for certain that albeit sounding like one, I am not a total idiot. So if I ever wonder was going on in a show, I am pretty damn sure 90% of the attending crowd would have not an inkling of what on earth was going on too. The other 10% fell asleep after the first fifteen minutes.

So that was what happened. I paid twenty bucks to watch a dude doing cool yoga tricks and pulling off seizure-like moves like drunken mentally-unsound hobo around a gigantic abstractly-shaped phallic object planted in the middle of the set. I am just exaggerating, the show was not really that bad but I thought it was too abstract to the point that the audience would have problem interpreting the message that the dance was supposed to convey. Or perhaps, there was no message behind the dance. Maybe it was just a display of spatial manipulation that could be achieved by the creative sleek movement of our body. Yeah right.

In the end of the day, I still don’t get it. Actually I do for some part but I need “guidance” when it comes to understanding why on earth did I just pay my cold hard cash to watch an almost naked freaky-looking dude with a small package (for the record-Not that it mattered to me, I am just saying it in consideration of my friend, Anrie) mess around on stage, when I could have kept my money and look at a crazy hobo messes around for free in town on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The buto dance was supposed to be a medium thru which the performer integrate nature, reality and life within himself. Or so the program book told me. To shed some light on why I thought the performance was perhaps a tat over-rated- So the show started out in complete darkness and the crazy dude came out holding two willow sticks and walked around the stage slow-mo for a good 15 minutes before he stopped only to mess around again doing body-contorting yoga stunts whereby he turned himself into a caterpillar, made himself looking all scary by sticking out his tongue (his whole body was painted White and eery music was playing in the background all the damn time while this whole shit was goin’ on), and then another dude came out to mess around with a drum and cymbal before the whole show ended with the first dude running in circles for another good 15 minutes, all the while making funny faces that I could not help but to feel he was mocking my intelligence because I had paid good money to watch him mess around the stage in the name of modern dance.

The best part was that everyone clapped vociferously at the end of the show. As if they understood the testy shit that had just been presented to them. Goddamn pretentious pricks. I didn’t clap at all until the musicians came in ‘cos I thought they played some pretty trippy shit. And then I clapped out of charity for the dancers. There were two of them. So 10 bucks a pop. Take money from a Student, would you?!

I do not mean no disrespect for the entire performance. I am very certain that a lot of effort, thoughts and philosophy has been poured into the production. What I do find entertaining and funny to mock is that, beyond all that- could the performance really be nothing more than a piece of shit? Or is avant garde art so subjectively profound and progressive that it allows no room for objective judgments? How would people review this? Apparently according to the program (again), the performer is a critically acclaimed award-winning fellow that could only mean that I am a dumb ass afterall who did not know how to appreciate good art. But what is good art when the meaning is lost to her audience? For a lack of better comparison and my personal fancy for vulgar sexual analogies- it is like telling a chic how great it feels to have a giant penis. Like mine, specifically. They could probably guess it would feel awesome to the point that they would love to walk around naked all the damn time, but they won’t understand the awesomeness of having a Negro dick.

Of course, my analogy makes no sense.

However bad or good the show was, the dude who choreographed the whole thing apparently believes in Zen Buddhism and the whole load of Shinto Japanese philosophical way of life trippy stuff, so that explained alot of those meaningless messin’ around to achieve inner peace stuff on stage. I would really love to know what his dance was all about and because modern dance allows room for subjective interpretations, I would like to know what he would think of my personal interpretations of his show. If I’d ever have the opportunity for a discourse with the dude, I would leave all my mockeries behind because I do have some serious thoughts of his dance.

Given a choice, would I go back? Yes and no. Yes I would go back just to make meaning of the whole shit and No, if I had to choose between watching an almost-naked dude doing a crazy dance and say, watching paint dry.

a tourist with no story, lost in this purgatory

I dread twilight showers and the spine-chilling cold that lingers after a rain. The cold air inevitably makes me want to snuggle up to someone, Dear who could afford me a few precious moments when all my infirmities in the world would mean nothing. Someone Who, in all irony- is not around.For what is a downpour but an autumn of a thousand million crystalline reflections falling carelessly thru the open sky, each inconspicuously carrying a vision of the heavens that all men seek but fail to even witness a glimpse?

We are just that silly, aren’t we?

Men, since that fateful day when Icarus got his wings, has envisioned flight to be amongst the angels of heavens; Not realizing that earth is a reflection of heaven as each rain droplet reveals her secret snapshots from the above when they break upon hitting our grounds. Raindrops are but broken mirrors of the gods.

Many times, we do not realize that we already have the best in our possession. So, believing that there is a larger, better world out there- we would set out seeking for something more that could never be found. And be left with an empty hand as we stand alone in reflection of our thousand broken rain by that little dark corner of a cold, pouring early morning in loveless Moscow.

Would you grab my hands and trust in my imperfections?

Perhaps not everything is in black and white. Perhaps these gray skies that herald another downpour would stand sentinel and watch over her heart as the rest of the world falls apart.